Kyle's Bar Mitzvah
by musicalprincess3491
Summary: Kyle's bar mitzvah is rapidly approaching and he has much more to worry about then getting his Torah portion right.
1. Thirteen

Kyle's Bar Mitzvah

Hello Everyone! Remember when I said that T&T was my last story? Well, I was wrong. I just needed a break from fan fiction. Anyway, I'm now finished with school for the summer so now I have plenty of time to write. Lately, I've been inspired by South Park so I decided to do a South Park fanfic. I hope you enjoy it!

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or the following quote.

**Chapter One: Thirteen **

"Just about to turn, god, I'm about to turn thirteen!"

Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and Kenny McCormick stood at the bus stop as they have done every morning since the first day of kindergarten. Nothing had changed since then except now they were taller and much older. Six years older to be exact. Today was their first day of seventh grade. Cartman was as fat and greasy as ever despite the fact that he had had grown six inches over summer and now towered over the other three. For what Stan lacked in height he made up in good looks. He had an athletic physique and his dark hair now fell in a messy mop-top just above his blue eyes. Kyle stood awkwardly; he had grown almost as much as Cartman. However, unlike Cartman, Kyle had thinned out as grew taller was now a lanky bean pole. His red hair stuck out in many different directions. Kenny was the shortest of the four because he not hit puberty yet or so everyone thought. No one really knew if Kenny had changed because he always concealed himself in his bright orange parka.

"Ha ha!" Cartman laughed, "Kyle has braces! What a nerd!"

"Shut up, Fatass!" Kyle retorted, "It's bad enough that I had to get these in the first place. I don't need you making it worse."

Cartman ignored him, "What's that I hear? Is that a train coming down Kyle's jew-tracks? Jew-jew!"

Kyle clenched his fists, "What does me being jewish have to do with my braces?"

"Jews have bad teeth, duh!" Carman replied.

Kyle face palmed.

"Mmm hmm mmm hmm!" mumbled Kenny.

"Shut up, Kenny!" snapped Cartman.

The bus arrived and the boys climbed on. They took their usual spot at the back of the bus. Kyle and Stan sat together and Cartman and Kenny sat together.

"Hiya fellas!" squealed a pitch-voice.

"Oh, hi, Butters" said Stan.

"Can you believe that we're in seventh grade now? Man, it feels like yesterday we were kindergarten!" Butters exclaimed.

"It is pretty unbelievable" replied Kyle unenthusiastically.

"Yea and some people have already turned thirteen like Clyde and Token and Craig a--"

Stan cut him off "We get it, Butters."

"I can't wait til my thirteenth birthday!" Cartman exclaimed, "I'm gonna have the coooolest party ever and I'm only inviting cool people. Sorry,Kyle!"

"Fuck you, Fatass!" Kyle shouted, "My bar mitzvah party is gonna be way cooler! Just you wait!"

"What the heck is a barf matzah?" said Cartman.

"It's bar mitzvah" corrected Kyle.

"Whatever" retorted Cartman.

"Or bat mitzvah for a girl" continued Kyle, "In the Jewish tradition when a kid turns thirteen he or she has a bar or bat mitzvah to celebrate becoming an adult. There's a cermony where I have to read from the Torah and give a speech then afterwards there's a hugeass party."

"Mmm mmm mmm hmm" replied Kenny.

"It is pretty awesome, Kenny" said Kyle, "But it's a lot of work too. I busted my ass all freaking summer learning hebrew."

"Hebrew? Ooooh, you mean that weird giberish stuff you're always chanting?" said Cartman.

"It's not jibberish, Asshole!" snapped Kyle, "It's the language of the Torah!"

"They should have written in English. That would have made things easier for everybody" responded Cartman.

Kyle looked like he wanted to ring Cartman's neck, "English wasn't invented when the Torah was written you moron!"

"Oooh..." Satisfied with how angry he made Kyle, Cartman settled back into his seat smirking.

Kyle crossed his arms and slumped back into his seat fuming.

The halls of Park County Middle School were crowded with anxious tweens. Girls crowded in packs and gossiped, jocks tortured nerds in various fashions, etc. Stan sighed as he leaned against the lockers. "What will it take, Kyle? What will it take for Wendy to take me back?"

Kyle slammed his locker shut and turned his head in the direction where Stan was gazing. There was Wendy Testaburger giggling with fellow cheerleaders Bebe Stevens, Red, and Sally Darson. He stared at them for moment before turning back to Stan. "Dude, you went out in the third grade. I don't know if that actually counts."

"Of course it counts!" snapped Stan, "My love for Wendy as only matured as I have..."

"Oh my god, what a pussy!" exclaimed Cartman, "I think someone's whipped!"

"For once I have to agree with Cartman" said Kyle.

"Thank you Kyle" Cartman stopped in his tracks, "Wait, what?"

"Yea, what the hell, man?" retorted Stan.

"Stan, you need to be realistic" explained Kyle, "The chances of girls like Wendy Testaburger and Bebe Stevens going out with guys like us are about as low as chances of Cartman deciding not be an asshole."

"Ye---Hey!" cried Cartman.

"Mmm mmm mmmm mmm" replied Kenny.

"Shut up, Kenny!" Cartman snapped.

Stan was unmoved. "You guys are right. I have no chance with Wendy which is I'm trying out for the football team."

"Mm hm mmmm!" cried Kenny.

"Kenny's right" said Kyle, "You're gonna get killed! You know how vicious those eigth graders are!"

"Of course" Stan replied, "I'm not stupid. I worked out all summer. I can handle the eigth graders."

"Whatever" Cartman scoffed, "It's your funeral."

Kyle came Cartman a "not helping" glare then turned back to Stan, "Look, Man, I just don't think that it's a good a idea to do something for the sake of getting girls."

"Kyle, you wouldn't understand" replied Stan, "since you never kissed a girl."


	2. Agony

Hey everybody! Chapter two is here! I'd like to thank Ritegirl456 for being my beta reader and for helping me brainstorm the plot.

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or the following quote.

**Chapter Two: Agony **

"Agony! Beyond the power of speech, when the one thing you want is the only thing out of your reach."

Stan wearily walked out of the locker room. Football tryouts had gone rather well. The eighth graders didn't beat him up, at least not yet. All of that training he had done over the summer had paid off. He had done everything the coach asked him to to perfection. He caught every pass that came his direction, threw the ball with dead accuracy, and even managed to tackle some of the eighth graders. Even though the roster wouldn't be up until tomorrow morning, Stan already knew he had made the team. He smiled to himself as he pulled out his phone to text Cartman. _Where are you, Fatass? _Stan asked.

_Outside waiting for you. What the heck's taking you so long? I thought tryouts ended at 4. _Cartman replied.

_Coach talked for like forever afterwards. It was kinda ridiculous. Is Shelly there yet? _responded Stan.

_Nope_. answered Cartman.

_Ok. I'm at the front doors. See ya in a sec. _replied Stan.

Stan burst through the double doors and saw Cartman sitting on the steps with a bucket of KFC. Stan sat down next to him. "Hey, Dude. How was KFC lovers?"

"Awesome" replied Cartman with a mouth full of KFC, "Billy Miller hooked us all up with tons of KFC. He also talked about some stuff in order to save the South Park KFC from going out of business which is not awesome. How was try outs?"

"Good" said Stan, "I did really well. Coach likes me. Got some scary looks from some eighth graders in the locker room. I was afraid that I was gonna get beat up right then and there but I didn't. Wendy was out there. The cheerleaders were having their try outs at the same time. She didn't notice me though. She didn't even look in my direction!"

Cartman rolled his eyes, "My god, man! That bitch is not worth the agony of getting your ass kicked. You should be enjoying your youth like me."

"Wendy is the most beautiful and intelligent girl I've ever met and I'd let myself get beat up by eighth graders every day for the rest of the year for her!" Stan cried.

"Wake up and smell the fried chicken, Dumbass!" Cartman shoved his drumstick in Stan's face, "The Wendy you went out with in third grade was an annoying smarty pants. The Wendy you see today is a sluty, hot, smarty pants with a line of guys around the corner who want her."

BEEP! BEEP! "Come on, Turds! Let's go!" shouted Shelly impatiently.

Stan sighed in relief that he didn't have to respond to Cartman's comment and walked towards Shelly's lavender Lexxus. Sitting, the passenger seat was a sleezy looking guy of seventeen or eighteen wearing a leather jacket, a stained white t-shirt, torn jeans, and combat boots smoking a cigarette. Stan just glared at the guy and climbed into the back seat. Cartman climbed in behind him. His eyes widened and he dropped his drumstick into his bucket when he saw Shelly. He hadn't really seen her since she last baby sat him almost a year ago. She wasn't the terrifying troll that he knew to be Shelly. She had grown! Her braces her gone and her unibrow was plucked into two perfectly shaped eyebrows. Her perfectly made up face was framed by her straight brown hair that was cut into sharp layers. She wore a tight demin mini-skirt and fitted v-neck t-shirt that emphasized her womanly curves. On her feet she wore combat boots to match the guy in the passenger seat. Cartman couldn't help staring.

"Don't get any of that fried chicken in my car, Turd!" Shelly threatened.

"I ain't gonna get fried chicken in your car, Bitch" Cartman retorted "By the way, who the fuck is the tool in the front seat?"

"That happens to be my new boyfriend, Turd!" Shelly snapped, "His name is Jesse and he's a senior!"

"Sup, Fattie!" said Jesse.

"Ooooh! A senior! Big deal and I'm not fat! I'm big boned, Asshole!" Cartman snapped back.

"What are you doing, Fatass?" asked Stan, "Lay off."

"Stan, are you really going to sit idly by and let this FREAK put his hands all over your sister?" said Cartman.

"I heard that, Turd!" shouted Shelly.

"Honestly, I don't care who Shelly dates. That's my parents' job." Stan paused for a second, "Why do you care?"

Cartman froze up. He couldn't tell Stan the truth. Having the hots for your best friend's sister is totally against man-code. He had to get Stan off his case. "Uh, no reason. Just forget it, okay?"

"Whatever" Stan put on his seat belt and turned away.

Cartman sighed in relief and put on his own seat belt. Then he pulled out his phone and started texting Kenny while finishing the drumstick that he had dropped. _OMG! Kenny, have you see Shelly lately? _

_ Stan's sister, Shelly? _responded Kenny.

_Yes, that Shelly! _replied Cartman, _She's hot! _

_ Since when? _asked Kenny.

_Since now. _responded Cartman, _She's smoking hot! I think she may be hotter than Beyonce. _

_ Holy shit! Holy shit! I wanna see her! _said Kenny.

Cartman snapped a picture of Shelly while she was driving and sent it to Kenny.

_Damn! _said Kenny, _She's a babe! I'd tap that! _

_ Too bad, _said Cartman_, One, I saw her first. Two, she has a boyfriend, some agonizing douche bag named Jesse. _

_Goddamn it! _replied Kenny.

Before Cartman could respond, Shelly pulled up to his house. Cartman pocketed his phone and got out of the car. "See ya, Stan! Later, Bitch!"

"See ya, Fatass!" said Stan.

"Later, Turd" said Shelly as she pulled away.

Meanwhile, Kyle was having some trouble focusing on his hebrew. Thoughts of what happened that day were racing through his head as he chanted. "V'a-hav-ta et Adonai Eh-lo-heh-cha," _Stupid Stan, making a fool out of himself over some girl. _"b'chol l'va-v'cha u-v'chol naf-sh'cha u-v'chol m'o-deh-cha" _Saying I don't understand cause I've never kissed a girl. _"V'ha-yu ha-d'va-rim ha-ei-leh a-sher a-no-chi m'tza-v'cha ha-yom al l'va-veh-cha" _So what if I've never kissed a girl? I'm waiting for the right girl. There's nothing wrong with that is there? _"V'shi-nan-tam l'va-neh-cha v'di-bar-ta bam b'shiv-t'cha b'vei-teh-cha u-v'ech-t'cha va deh-rech u v'shoch-b'cha u-v'ku-meh-cha" _Who am I kidding? Of course it's wrong. What girl wants to kiss a nerd like me? _"U-k shar-t-damn it!" Frustrated, Kyle slams his prayer book shut, gets up from his desk, and plops down on his bed. He lay there on his back and stared at the ceiling. "This is horrible. How am I supposed to become a man in October if I've never kissed a girl? I'll be an even bigger loser and Cartman will tease me to oblivion" Kyle sighed. What was he to do? He wanted his first kiss to be special but he couldn't wait forever. After staring at the ceiling for half an hour, it hit him, "That's it!" Kyle sat up, "I'll havezas my first kiss at bar mitzvah party! What could be more special than that? And I know who I want to kiss more than ever, Bebe Stevens. I'll impress her with my totally cool party!" Kyle paused, "But wait, how am I gonna work up the courage to invite her? I can't walk near her without tripping over myself! Plus, she's popular and I'm not. Oh god, I'm screwed! Oh, the agony!" he plopped back down, "I need to get close to her, but how?"


	3. How Lucky You Are

Hello! Chapter three is here and things are about to heat up. Is Stan aware of what he's getting himself into? How will Kyle get close to lovely Bebe Stevens? How is Cartman dealing with his feelings for Shelly? Stay tuned and find out!

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or the following quote.

**Chapter 3: How Lucky You Are **

"Tell yourself how lucky you are..."

There it was, hanging on the door to the athletic office, the 2010 Park County Middle School football roster. Stan quietly stood just a few feet away as a bunch of eighth graders scanned the list. He took some deep breaths as he prepared himself to go look at the list. _It doesn't matter what position I play. I'm cool as long as I'm on the team. _He reassured himself. The eighth graders left but Stan hesitated.

"What the fuck are you waiting for?" asked Cartman, "Stop being a pussy and go look at the list before more eighth graders show up!"

"Mmmmm mmmm hmmmm mmmmmmmmm!" said Kenny.

"I'm going! I'm going! Eesh!" Stan began to walk forward.

Stan approached the list and scanned it for his name. He scanned the seventh graders column and didn't see his name. He didn't make it? That's not possible. The coach adored him yesterday. It didn't make sense. Stan sighed and decided to look at the starters column for the hell of it. As soon as his eyes hit the top of the starters column his jaw dropped. "No way!" he cried, "No fucking way!"

"What is it?" said Kyle as ran up to join Stan. The other two boys quickly followed suit.

"Look!" Stan pointed to the top of the starters column, "Starting Quarterback- Stan Marsh!"

"Congrats!" Kyle held out his fist and Stan fist bumped him.

"Dude!" cried Cartman, "You have no idea how lucky you are! You're up there with the eighth graders! Forget Wendy! With your popularity, you can get eighth grade girls!"

"Mmm mmm hmmm mmm hmmm!" cried Kenny.

"Ew! No, Kenny, I will not get an eighth grade girl to give you a blow job! Last time you had one, you died of syphilis!" said Stan.

"Stan's right, Kenny" added Cartman, "How many times have I told you that a girl's mouth is unsanitary and should not touch your penis?"

"Hmmmmm!" whined Kenny.

"You guys still think I'm whipped?" asked Stan.

Before any of the three boys could answer the bell rang for class.

"God damn it!" screamed Cartman, "I didn't do my history homework! Kyle can I copy yours real quick?"

"No way, Fatass. I have math now." said Kyle as he turned to leave, "See you guys later!"

"Fucking Jew!" Cartman screamed after him before he turned and left.

Three weeks went by and Kyle still didn't have a plan for getting close to Bebe. He thought about it day and night but nothing came to him. He didn't see much of Stan because of football so just he and Kenny had to deal with Cartman's bragging about his up coming birthday party.

"Hmm mmm hmmm hmmm?" asked Kenny.

"It's a week from Saturday, Kenny. You better there cause it's gonna be cooool!" said Cartman, "You know what, Kyle?"

"What Fatass?" Kyle prepared for an insult.

"I've decided you can come to my party. I want you see how cooool it's gonna be and everyone thinking I'm cooool and you're not!" said Cartman.

"Gee, thanks. Lucky me" said Kyle sarcastically.

Then the door to room 115, the room where Kyle had math, opened and Bebe ran out as she broke into tears. Bebe didn't look where she was going. She didn't care if hit someone, she was too upset. In her frenzy, she plowed right through the three boys and hit a very stunned Kyle as she passed.

"Mmm mmm hmm hmm mmm?" said Kenny.

"I don't know" responded Kyle, "But I'm gonna find out."

Kyle turned and ran after Bebe. He found her sitting outside on the front steps. Next to her was a piece of paper. On closer inspection Kyle recognized it as the math test they took at the end of last week and Bebe hadn't done so well. Kyle approached with caution. When he was right behind her he put his hand on her shoulder, "Bebe?"

Bebe turned around, "Oh, hey, Kyle."

"Can I sit down?" Kyle asked.

"Sure" Bebe sniffed.

"I don't mean to pry, but what happened?" Kyle asked.

Bebe broke down again, "I'm failing advanced math and if I don't get my grade up before end of the quarter then I'm gonna be on academic probation and I won't be able to cheer!"

Kyle put his arm around her, "I don't understand. I thought you were good at math."

"So did I" said Bebe between sobs, "But this pre-algebra stuff is different. I don't understand it at all."

Then it hit him. Kyle knew what he had to do, "I have an A in math, perhaps I could help you."

Bebe stopped crying, "You would do that for me?"

"Of course" replied Kyle.

Bebe grinned and threw her arms around him, "Thank you, thank you so much! Kyle, you're the best! I'm so lucky you're here! Is there anything I can do for you?"

Kyle grinned, he knew exactly what he wanted. He pulled apart from Bebe but didn't let go of her, "Come to my bar mitzvah. Bring Wendy too."

"When is it?" Bebe asked.

"October 19th. There's a ceremony in the morning and the party's that night." said Kyle.

"I'll be there" said Bebe, "If I'm not grounded for my grade in math."

"Don't worry" reassured Kyle, "I won't let that happen."


	4. Mama Who Bore Me

Hi everyone! I here is chapter four of Kyle's Bar Mitzvah. Cartman's birthday is drawing closer and he wants his party to be perfect. However, his over-bearing mother doesn't quite get that he is growing up. Also, Kyle brings Bebe to his house for tutoring and gets his own dose of motherly embarrassment.

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or the following quote.

**Chapter 4: Mama Who Bore Me **

"Mama who bore me, Mama who gave me no way to handle things, who made me so sad."

Cartman breathed a sigh of relief as he was finally let out of detention. It was stupid really. Detention for what? Butters was the idiot who went into the girls locker room, not him. He was merely joking. Butters as gullible and naive as ever and took it seriously and of course Cartman was the one who got in trouble. As he walked into hall he pulled out his phone to text Stan. _Hey, can I get a ride home with you? _

No response. Cartman figured he was still in football practice so he strolled over to the vending machine to get himself a snack while he waited. Cartman approached the vending machine and peered inside wracking his brain about what to get. After about a minute, he finally settled on some Nacho Cheese Doritos. He pulled out a dollar bill and inserted it into the machine and pressed the buttons for his Doritos. Just as he received his Doritos he heard a familiar sound. With his free hand, he pulled out his phone to see Stan's response. _Sure, Fatass. Why did you get detention again? _

_ Cause Butters is a fucking imbecile. _Responded Cartman.

_Really Cartman? That kid's been the butt of your stupid jokes since the third grade! _Replied Stan.

_But he's a loser. _Argued Cartman, _Plus I was only joking. I didn't think he actually be stupid enough to do it. _

_ Cartman you are a such a dumbass! Butters takes everything seriously. _Stan responded, _I'm on my way out. Meet me out front? _

_ Sure, whatever, you Veggie-Pussy. _Replied Cartman.

Stan rolled his eyes and stashed his phone back into his pocket. He knew better than to respond when Cartman made fun of him for being a vegetarian. He turned the corner into the main hallway and there was Cartman about to walk out the front doors. "Hey, Cartman! Wait up!"

Cartman stopped and turned around, "Hey, Stan."

The two boys walked out the front doors and Cartman scanned the horizon for Shelly's lavender lexxus. A wave of dissappointment came over him as saw parked in front of the school was the old toyota that belonged to Stan's father, Randy Marsh. The boys walked up to the car and climbed in.

"Hi, boys" said Randy.

"Hey, Dad" replied Stan.

"Hi, Mr. Marsh" said Cartman, "Where's Shelly?"

"She's at home, Eric. She was too upset to drive this afternoon" explained Randy.

"Jesse break her heart?" Cartman asked.

"Pretty much" replied Randy.

"I knew it!" chimed Cartman, "I told you, Stan! I told you that bastard was no good!"

"Whatever!" cried Stan, "She always falls for guys like that. Don't worry about her, Fatass. She'll be back on her feet in a few days as usual" Stan paused, "I still don't get why you care so much."

"Who said I cared?" replied Cartman, "I was just being polite!"

"That's very kind of you, Eric" said Randy.

Stan leaned back against the seat and sighed. Cartman didn't do polite or kind.

Cartman changed the subject, "So, Mr. Marsh, did you hear about those people who got attacked on the outskirts of town by a mysterious animal?"

"Of course" replied Randy, "Do you what I think it is?"

"Oh god, not this again" muttered Stan.

"No, what?" Egged Cartman.

"A wild, feathered foozen beast!" exclaimed Randy.

"Dad!" cried Stan, "Stop embarrassing me! There's no such thing as a foozen beast!"

"That's what they want you to think, Stan!" replied Randy.

"Dad!" Stan turned to Cartman, "God dammit, Cartman! Did you have to get my dad worked up on this foozen beast crap again?"

"Are you kidding? This is hilarious!" laughed Cartman.

"Yea" retorted Stan, "Cause I'm the one who's embarrassed not you, right?"

Randy pulled up to Cartman's house, "Here you are, Eric."

"Thanks, Mr. Marsh" Cartman turned to Stan, "Pretty much, yea."

Cartman climbed out of the car and slammed the door on a fuming Stan. Cartman laughed to himself as he walked up the path towards the front door. His mood did a one-eighty when he went inside. He plopped his bag down by the front door and went into the kitchen. "Hey, Mom, I'm home! What's for dinner?"

"Hi, Poopykins!" said Ms. Cartman, "We're having lasagna."

"Cool and Mom, stop calling me Poopykins! I'm almost thirteen! It's embarrassing!" said Cartman.

"Sorry, Sweetie, old habit" said Ms. Cartman.

"Whatever" Cartman took his place at the kitchen table.

After a brief silence, Ms. Cartman spoke again, "I have a surprise for you, Eric."

"A surprise?" pipped Cartman, "Ooh! Ooh! Is it a birthday surprise?"

"Yes, it is" replied Ms. Cartman, "It's in those shopping bags over there. Go take a look!"

Cartman excitedly ran over the shopping bags but was soon disappointed, "Pin The Tail On The Donkey? Stickers? Board games? And the number of a clown?"

"Stuff for your party, Eric" said Ms. Cartman.

"But Mom! This is baby stuff! I'm turning thirteen not five!" whinned Cartman.

"But Poopykins, Pin The Tail On The Donkey is your favorite game." said Ms. Cartman.

"When I was five!" snapped Cartman, "I need a cool party, not a baby one!"

"Okay, what do you have in mind?" asked Ms. Cartman.

"A dance party, with a cool DJ and awesome lights and a disco ball and lots of KFC!" said Cartman.

"Sounds kind of expensive, Sweetie" said Ms. Cartman.

"But Mom! I need to have a cool party so the kids at school think I'm cool!" whinned Cartman.

Ms. Cartman was hesitant.

"But Mom! But Mom! But Mom!" Cartman whinned over and over again.

Meanwhile, the doorbell rang at the Broflovski's house. Mrs. Broflovski answered it. "Why, is this little Bebe Stevens?"

"Yes, Mrs. Broflovski" replied Bebe, "Is Kyle there?"

"Of course. You're so pretty like your mother! How is she by the way?" said Mrs. Broflovski.

"She's fine" replied Bebe.

Mrs. Broflovski motioned for Bebe to come inside, then turned and called, "Kyle! There's someone here to see you!"

Kyle came running down the stairs, "Hey, Bebe. Thanks, Mom, I'll take it from here."

"Alright, you kids have fun. Oh, I can't believe my little Kyle having girls over!" said Mrs. Broflovski.

"Mom! You're embarrassing me!" said Kyle.

Bebe giggled, "Kyle is tutoring me in math."

"I know, isn't Kyle such a sweet boy?" said Mrs. Broflovski.

"Mom!" whinned Kyle.

"That's my Kyle! Such a gentleman! Helping a pretty girl in need" said Mrs. Broflovski.

"Mom, please!" begged Kyle.

"Oh, Bebe, I can't believe how beautiful you grown! Gerald! Come here! Bebe Stevens is here!" said Mrs. Broflovski.

"What? Elli's little girl?" called Mr. Broflovski from the other room.

Kyle who was as red as a tomato grabbed Bebe's hand and started to pull her upstairs, "We'll be in my room. Later, Mom."

"Alright" called Mrs. Broflovski as they walked away, "But Kyle don't forget that you still have to do your homework and practice your hebrew!"

"Okay, Mom! I will! Bye!" said Kyle as he and Bebe disappeared into his room.


	5. Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You

Hey Everyone! Here's chapter 5! Sorry it took me so long to update! I got stuck for a while plus I was super busy. Now, with out further delay, here's chapter 5.

Chapter 5 : Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You

"You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you."

Stan wearily opened his football locker and pulled out his clothes. He silently got dressed while the eighth graders talked.

"My parents are going out of town this weekend" said Bobby Grant.

"Sweet! Party!" said Hunter Gardener.

"Exactly. Saturday night 8 o'clock, my house" Bobby turned to the entire locker room, "All of you better be there! And bring chicks!"

"This Saturday?" said Stan.

"Yes, this Saturday, moron!" Bobby retorted.

"Cartman's party is this Saturday." said Stan.

"Oh no! Marcia's conflicted!" teased Hunter.

Stan knew better then to react then Hunter Grant called him Marcia. Stan just turned towards his locker and reached for this shirt. Bobby pushed Stan into his locker and held his fist up to Stan's face, "Look, Marsh, you may be quarterback but you're still a seventh grader. That means that if you choose that Fattie's party over mine, you ain't gonna be so pretty anymore. Got it?"

Stan gulped, "Got it."

Bobby put away his fist, "Good."

Later that evening, Cartman was having trouble focusing on his Spanish homework. This upset Cartman because Spanish was the only subject in school that he cared about and was good in. The thing that was taking his mind off of Spanish was Shelly. He couldn't stop thinking about how many times the poor girl had gotten her heart broken. Shelly just had bad luck when it came to guys. It all started with Richard. Cartman clenched his fists at the memory of that twenty-two year old creep who came to babysit him with Shelly four years ago. Then he reveled in the satisfaction of the revenge he had gotten and how happy it had made Shelly. Then his mind drifted to another of Shelly's boyfriends, Amir, the guy who she met on the internet two years ago. Cartman couldn't help laughing to himself a little about how when they met in person at the Internet Refugee Camp during the Nation Internet Crisis of 2008 the chemistry between was so awkward that it would have given an awkward turtle awkward over-load. Amir was out the picture pretty quickly. Then Cartman's thoughts shifted to Jesse, the most recent asshole that Shelly dated. Cartman's blood began to boil. Jesse had used Shelly to make some slutty senior girl jealous. Cartman slammed his Spanish workbook shut in frustration and got up from his desk. "Come here, Mr. Kitty!" Cartman called.

"Mrow" Mr. Kitty responded as he got up from the corner he was resting in and walked over to Cartman.

Cartman scooped up the cat, sat down on his bed, and began stroking him, "Mr. Kitty, I don't know to do. I can't stop thinking about Shelly."

"Mrowww" said Mr. Kitty.

"Yes, Mr. Kitty, I do like her. I like her a lot. Especially since she became hot" said Cartman, "But the problem is she's Stan's sister and she's in high school. I don't know how to impress a girl my own age much less an older one. Also, Stan would flip a shit if he knew I liked her."

"Mrow" said Mr. Kitty.

"I'm not finished Mr. Kitty!" snapped Cartman.

Mr. Kitty hung his head.

"Thank you" replied Cartman, "Mr. Kitty, can you keep a secret?"

"Mrowwww" said Mr. Kitty.

"Ok, Mr. Kitty, you cannot tell this to anyone! Especially Kyle!" Cartman sighed, "Mr. Kitty, I have never kissed a girl. There, I said it!"

"Mrrrow" said Mr. Kitty.

"I knew I could trust you, Mr. Kitty. Anyway, if I don't kiss someone soon the guys are gonna get suspicious." said Cartman.

"Mrowwwwwwwwww" said Mr. Kitty.

"I am not being paranoid, Mr. Kitty!" retorted Cartman, "If Kyle finds out that son-of-a-bitch-jew is gonna laugh at me to oblivion! Of course, you know who I want to kiss."

"Mrow" said Mr. Kitty.

"So, what do I do?" asked Cartman.

"Mrrroww" said Mr. Kitty.

"Woo her?" said Cartman, "Like go to her window and sing some sappy love song?"

"Mrow" said Mr. Kitty.

"No way!" spat Cartman, "I can't sing! I'll look like a fucking moron! There's got to be another way!"

"Mrow" said Mr. Kitty.

"God dammit, Mr. Kitty" Cartman stood up and Mr. Kitty fell to the ground, "Well, if I'm gonna make a fool out of myself I might as well do it to a good song" Cartman froze, "God dammit! I don't know any sappy love songs!"

Cartman returned to his desk and went to his computer, "Let's see," Cartman muttered to himself as he typed into the google search bar, "Sappy love songs. Enter." His first hit was a list of the top 100 love songs. Cartman scrolled down the list, "Oh my god, my mom listens to these songs: 'My Heart Will Go On,' 'Wind Beneath My Wings,' 'From This Moment.'" Cartman gagged, "Okay, some Disney that's a little better: 'A Whole New World,' 'Once Upon a Dream,' 'So This is Love,' but not much better. Hmm, this is harder than I thought" Cartman sighed and kept scrolling, "What's this? 'Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You' by The Four Seasons? I don't know who The Four Seasons are but the title of the song is coooool." Cartman opened another tab for youtube and typed in the song. The first hit was from the show, Jersey Boys, "Jersey Boys? What the fuck? I thought this song was by an awesome rock band not some cheesy show tune!" Cartman clicked it anyway, "Hey, this isn't bad. These four dudes in suits must be The Four Seasons." Suddenly it all added up, "Ohhhh, Jersey Boys is about The Four Seasons." Cartman shook his head, "Focus!" Cartman paused the video and opened up itunes. He purchased the song and plugged in his iphone. Once it was synced, he unplugged it and called Kenny, "Kenny, I need your help impressing Shelly. Meet me outside of Stan's in five minutes. Don't tell Stan or Kyle! Got it?"

"Mmm hmm" said Kenny.

"Good" Cartman hung up and grabbed his coat.

A few minutes later outside of the Marsh household Cartman and Kenny met.

"Okay, Kenny, it's already set to the song and the volume is on max. All you have to is press play when I tell you to, got it?" explained Cartman.

"Mmm hmm!" said Kenny.

"Good, let's go!" said Cartman.

The two boys snuck around to the side of the house where Shelly's window was located. Kenny immediately began to climb up the tree to the branch closest to Shelly's window. Cartman took a deep breath and began to slowly grunt his way up.

"God dammit, this tree needs an elevator!" said Cartman in between a series of huffs and puffs. Finally, after a minute or so of struggling, huffing, and puffing Cartman made it to the branch near Shelly's window.

"Mmm mmm hmm hmm mmm?" joked Kenny.

"Of course this branch can hold me, Kenny! I'm not fat! I'm big-boned!" snapped Cartman.

Kenny burst out laughing.

Cartman narrowed this eyes, "Shut up, Kenny! Or you're gonna give us away!"

Kenny stopped laughing.

Cartman handed Kenny the iphone, "Okay, you know what to do."

Cartman turned towards the window to begin when his jaw dropped. Shelly was getting undressed! Cartman was frozen to the spot in awe. Never had he seen breasts so perfect, in fact he had never seen breasts before. He had no idea to think of what was happening because he was too absorbed Shelly's boobs. The moment was ruined by the sound of Kenny's voice. Cartman turned to Kenny, "Kenny, shut up! You're gonna give us away! This may be my only chance to get to impress Shelly and get a look at her boobs!" Then Cartman realized what Kenny was doing, "Oh sick! Kenny that's disgusting! Give me my phone back! You are not touching my iphone 4 after you've been jacking off!"

"Hmm?" Kenny handed the iphone back to Cartman.

"Dude, you were jacking off while holding my iphone 4! That's not coool man!" shouted Cartman.

"What the fuck are guys doing outside my sister's window?" Stan's voice boomed over them.

Cartman and Kenny looked over to the right of Shelly's window. There was Stan fuming at his own window.

"Smmm!" Kenny turned and began to climb down.

Cartman panicked and lost his balance. He fell out of the tree and hit the ground with a thud.


End file.
